I want to go see those people who...

plasticann: Maybe we should take a trip in June for a few days.
plasticmom: Yeah, that might be fun!
plasticann: We could take the train to NYC. We could fly to New Orleans. We could even fly direct to Charleston.
plasticmom: [pensively] You know where I want to go? I want to go see those people who don't use electricity.
plasticann: [incredulously] Ummm, you mean the Amish?
plasticmom: YES! The Amish. I think it so interesting how people live without electricity.
plasticann: So, you don't want to go to NYC, you want to go see the Amish.
plasticmom: NYC is just like Tokyo or any other big city. Those people without electricity, now that's interesting. I want to see how they live.

plasticmom is oddly obsessed with visiting Amish Country aka "those people who don't use electricity." She mentioned her desire to visit the Amish last year which I chalked up to her being random. I keep trying to sway her toward the bright lights of the big city hoping that she forgot about the Amish, but her memory is iron clad and her resolve to visit the Amish is steadfast. Heck, she's probably right that Lancaster County is going to be way more interesting, but I might persuade her to visit Lancaster County by way of Philly so at least we squeeze in a visit to the Liberty Bell.

More than one weakness

Adam and I were at dinner when I misheard and thought Adam said, "That's my one weakness..."

plasticann: Well, I think you have a few more than one weakness, I could list a couple.
Adam: Umm, I said it was one of my many weaknesses not my only weaknesses.
plasticann: There's one weakness that I had in mind, you're not very good at figuring out distances, volumes, lengths, etc.
Adam: I don't really know what's a quarter mile when you're navigating?
plasticann: Quarter mile is our house to Davis, half mile is our house to the church and a mile is our house to Porter.
Adam: But that doesn't help because I'm driving not walking.
plasticann: You're also not very good at figuring out volumes and lengths. Like the other day you asked me if two feet was [plasticann holds her hands about 12 inches apart].
Adam: I'm not really sure what's a liter.
plasticann: A liter is almost like a quart.
Adam: What's the little skinny carton?
plasticann: A quart!!! I really need to quiz you on this stuff. How many cups in a pint?
Adam: A pint weighs a pound the world around!
plasticann: How is that helpful? Come on, how many cups in a pint Adam?
Adam: Umm, three quarters of a cup?
plasticann: What??? A pint is 2 cups. It's half of a skinny carton also known as a quart.
Adam: I thought a pint was the little one [holds hands about four inches high].
plasticann: That's a half pint or a cup.
Adam: I always thought the little one was a pint.
plasticann: I think we've figured out the root of the problem. You thought the little one was a pint when it was a half pint.
Adam: They never taught us this stuff in school.
plasticann: School? You learn this stuff by shopping at the grocery store.
Adam: I guess I never food shopped growing up. I also didn't learn the state capitals.

Indignities

My trip to Dallas last week had us waiting in a few Midwestern airports. I made the best of it and bought Adam lots of regional junk food in Milwaukee, Dallas and Cleveland. The following is a reconstructed conversation with a young man, a freshman in college:

Freshman: Hi, are you guys on the flight to Boston?

plasticann: Yes we are. Are you?

Freshman: I'm going home to Concord. You guys must go to OSU!

plasticann: [pause] Hmmm, what's OSU?

Freshman: Ohio State University

plasticann: We're not in college, I live in Boston and we're on a business trip. What brings you to Ohio?

Freshman: I'm in college at Dennison.

plasticann: What year are you?

Freshman: I'm a freshman. Did you go to school in Boston?

plasticann: Actually in Providence, I went to Brown.

Freshman: Oh, a buddy of mine goes to Brown...do you know....

plasticann: [interrupts] Actually I'm 32 and I just went to my 10 year reunion, probably not.

Freshman: My mom went to Brown.

I thought to myself, I might know actually know your mom. Just kidding, there's no way I know his mom, I'm not that old. As someone pointed out wisely, it way worse to be mistaken as significantly older. Probably true, but I still contend that mistaken for college age is still a problem.

The Fireplace - Brunch

As much as Wheezy and I love Cambridge, sometimes we just need to cross the river and get out so we recently took the Green Line C down to Washington Square for brunch at The Fireplace in Brookline. We were just there for brunch, but it also happened to be the "Super Hunger Brunch" benefiting the Greater Boston Food Bank. If you ordered off the special Super Hunger Brunch menu, 100% of proceeds went to the Food Bank. In the end, we ordered off the "0% proceeds to hunger" regular menu. I got the duck hash [YUM!] and Wheezy ordered the omelet [DELISH!].

Server: So are you here for the "Super Hunger Brunch?"

plasticann: Uhhh...not exactly!

Server: Oh!!!

Because really, I was at The Fireplace mostly for my own selfish personal hunger for tasty brunch and awkwardly, not really there for the food bank. It felt disingenuous to politely pretend that I was really there for the food bank. Wheezy pointed out that maybe we were being a bunch of jerks not pretending to care about hunger just to be polite. Maybe I should think about sending them a check to make amends.

Just "Smith"

A friend of ours got married last summer, let's call her "Jane Doe" and let's say her husband's last name is "Smith." The following is a reconstructed conversation:

plasticann: So Jane, are you going to change your name to Smith?
Jane: That was the plan, but I have some paperwork issues to sort out.
plasticann: What happened?
Jane: When the lady at the courthouse filled out the marriage license, she put down my new name as "Smith." Not "Jane Doe Smith" or "Jane Smith." Just "Smith!" I have no first name or middle name, just officially one name.

Folks, be careful when you fill out that paperwork. Adam just signed up to marry his first couple as a pastor and he's added this little tip to his list of advice.

Nested Suitcases

I impulsively bought a set of three nested luggage style storage containers from OneKingsLane in an effort to get organized. I used the two smaller ones to store our [unsightly] board games in our living room and used the large one to store my handbags in our bedroom. Fits perfectly under the bench which was unused space anyways. I think it looks cute, Adam thinks it's a little weird, but he's going along with it so I'll count that as a #win for plasticann.

Adam: Let's move these to the bottom shelf so no one can see them.

plasticann: It's supposed to be displayed. It's the style! It's retro! It's cute!

Adam: I just don't get why would we want to display "suitcases" in our living room? I guess it's OK, but I think it's kinda weird.

Pillow Pets

It's a pillow, it's a pet, it's a pillow pet. We celebrated a coworker's birthday with ice cream sundaes and a unicorn pillow pet. She was super psyched and did a great job demonstrating the features of the pillow pet. Best line of the day?

Q: How old are you?

A: I'm 57, but I think this pillow pet makes me look younger.

Note: She's not 57 and not 5, she's somewhere in between.

Penniless

The following is a reconstructed conversation between a wife and husband, they shall remain anonymous, but I did bear witness to the conversation:

Wife: When we got married, I assumed I was marrying a penniless grad student. I had no idea that he had all these investments and savings.

Husband: Well, I didn’t have much money as a student, but I’d saved over the years and bought stock so I had some money saved up. I guess she assumed we were both penniless.

Wife: [indignantly] I wasn’t penniless! I just didn’t have a single dollar to my name.

Everyone: [long pause + laughter] Umm, isn’t that the very definition of penniless?

Exercise

That's almost a dirty word for a blog devoted to eating unhealthy, but Adam and I are trying actually giving exercise a try this new year. The following is a reconstructed conversation:

Adam: So are you going to do Pilates or swim today?

plasticann: No, I've decided to do only one physical activity a day.

Adam: [pause] So if you're not doing Pilates and not swimming, what are you doing today?

plasticann: I'm getting a massage.

Adam: [cracks up]

plasticann: I'm glad you appreciate my rationale.

Adam: No, I'm definitely laughing AT you.

Babysitter's Club

Last night, Adam and I babysat for our friends' baby, Zvy, while they attended a holiday party. We're very inexperienced with kids, but stepped up because they needed sitters last minute and they promised to freshly diaper her before they left. We were warned that she might stay up until they got home at midnight and not sleep. 9pm rolls around and this is what happened:

Zvy: [Wah, wah]

plasticann: Maybe she's getting tired?

Adam: She hasn't rubbed her eyes yet.

plasticann: Well, let's put her in the sleepsack and see if she'll sleep.

[We wrestle her into the sleepsack while Zvy says "Wah" and rubs her eyes.]

plasticann: OK, she's in! Where should we put her?

Adam: On the couch, they said she likes to be with people.

[Zvy cries "wah wah wah," struggles for a little on the couch and quiets down, but isn't sleeping.]

plasticann: Let's turn off the movie, the lights and also pretend to sleep

[We pretend to sleep in the dark and Zvy stays quiet.]

Adam: Why don't we try putting her in her crib and maybe she'll go to sleep. (So he could keep watching our movie.)

[We put her in the crib and she goes "wah wah" for a little bit. We let her "wah wah" it out for a few minutes and eventually she gets quiet]

Adam: I think she's sleeping.

plasticann: Or...is she dead, how do know she's not dead?

Zvy's parents came home totally impressed that she went to sleep in her crib. The called us "awesome" babysitters." We either awesome or totally unsympathetic sitters who make her "wah wah" it out.

New Old Car

As many of you may know, Adam and I have never owned a car and our goal is to put off car ownership for as long as possible. Fortunately, we live in an area that enables living car free really easily. plasticmom, on the other hand, lives in LA where car ownership is a must. She hates driving and tries to walk or take public transportation as much as possible, but she still needs to maintain a car she rarely drives. As a result, she's owned her car for around 8 years and managed to finally crack 5 digits on her odometer in year 7. That's right folks, she drove less than 10,000 miles in the first 7 years. The following is a reconstructed conversation of her most recent car inspection:

Car dealer: [looking at the car befuddled] How old is this car?
plasticmom: Eight years old.
Car dealer: Ummm, why does it look so "new?"
plasticmom: I don't drive it very much.
Car dealer: Hold on, I'll be right back.

[minutes pass and they return with a gaggle of other car dealer employees.]

Car dealer: You guys have to see this, I've never seen anything like it. This car is eight years old and it looks brand new and it barely has 10,000 miles on it.
Everyone: Wow, I've never seen anything like it.

Grandpa: Kids, you better go to sleep or your dad will come up here to
read the riot act.
Kids: The kayak! Yeah we want to hear all about kayaks.

Sent from my iPhone

Tinted Lip Balm Part 2

plasticann: [swiping on lip balm after lunch] Want some?
Adam: Isn't it pink?
plasticann: It won't show.
Adam: OK! [puts some on]
plasticann: Nevermind, looks a little pink.
Adam: [furiously wipes mouth with napkin and exclaims] It's pink, I can see it!
plasticann: Sorry!

Adam: (in bed) My lips are chapped.
Plasticann: Mine aren't ever since I started using my fancy lip balm.
Want to try some?
Adam: It's ok, we're sleeping.
Plasticann: (leaps out of bed) No I'll get you some. Here!
Adam: (applies in the dark) Smells nice, lemony.
plasticann: You can only use it at night.
Adam: Huh? Why?
Plasticann: Hee hee, because it's tinted pink.

Sent from my iPhone

Punk! Moi?

I met up with some friends from b-school tonight at a very crowded pub downtown and I can now empathize a tiny bit with how the kids on Jersey Shore keep getting into trouble because it sure is easy to get into an argument a bar. To explain, I was shopping all day downtown so my rucksack was very full and I had it hanging from the back of my chair. The following is what happened:

Guy: Hey, excuse me, can you scoot in, there's not much room here.

plasticann: [scoots in] Sure, sorry about that.

Guy: Hey, can you scoot in?

plasticann: [turning around] I'm sorry, is there not enough room?

Guy: NO! Your backpack is in my lap, NO there's not enough room.

plasticann: [finally understands and removes bag from chair] I'll move it under the table, I'm sorry to inconvenience you.

Guy: Well, you don't have be a punk about it.

Wow, I got called a punk at a bar and it was only 7pm. That has got to be a plasticann first. Now I'm home and ready to enjoy my hot mint tea and some delicious peanut milk chocolate.