Gag Type Gifts

96. Self Inflating Whoopie Cushion---prevents hyperventilation

97. Lego Maniac: Lego came out with the Soccer themed sets a few years ago and now they've got them for basketball, hockey and even extreme sports. Note: themed sets for Spiderman, Harry Potter and Star Wars also available.

98. Cat Crap: My friends Dave & Kristen have two cats and the last thing Dave needs is more "Cat Crap," of a different sort. This stuff works...'nuff said.

99. Pint Lock: Combination lock from Ben & Jerry's to fend off hungry roommates looking to pilfer a bite of your ice cream...for singles only...may cause marital conflict.

Gift Ideas

I must confess that I love Christmas, but that's no secret. I love the whole gift giving process: purchasing, wrapping, etc. I could be completely done by Thanksgiving if not for my baking plans because who wants to eat stale moldy month old cookies. That said...in order to spread more Christmas cheer which will mostly serve to cheer me up, I present my Christmas 2003 list of gift ideas. I'm feeling up for a (realistic) challenge so I'm shooting for 100 ideas by Christmas...this will be an instance of quantity not quality. If you happen to be someone who may receive a gift from me this season, do not fret...I will try not feature the gift you are about to receive this year until after you've unwrapped your gift. However, some gifts that are less specialized from this year's Ann's gift list will be featured prematurely on the gift guide...after all who's going to be upset that they saw "cookies" on my gift guide and their surprise was ruined because they got "cookies?" That said....(drumroll please)....the countdown:

100. Homemade Cookies...always a surefire hit unless the recipient is diabetic. Remember, holiday amnesty renders cookies non-caloric and non-fat.

Perfect for our long limbed friends...

...the "Knee Defender." Adam (a long limbed lad himself) alerted me to this contraption created for those who max out on legroom of airplanes...a problem yours truly does not suffer from. The plastic thingamabobbers attach to the metal arms of your lowered tray table and they essentially jam the reclining mechanism of the person seated in front of you. Don't let the name "Knee Defender" mislead you, this product is very genteel and even comes with a "Courtesy Card" that diplomatically attempts to foster dialogue between all parties. As for those who take issue with the width of airplane seats, you're out of luck, but please do not lift the armrest separator between you and your neighbor out of common courtesy to those seated in your row and respect for their personal space and boundaries.

Frying Pan

I bought a 12 inch frying pan from Williams-Sonoma yesterday and I'm going to go pick it up tonight. I don't really cook, but the price was right and my house sure could use a new pan to replace good old peeling teflon. We could also use some heat, but that's another story.

ELF

This sunday was a momentous occasion, it was the first time I'd ever seen Nina wear pants in the three plus years I've been working with her. Sure, I'd heard tales about how back in the day Nina wore giant pants, but I've only seen her wear skirts and dresses. Nina, Jess, Adam and I went and saw the ELF movie. We all loved it and it was hilarious and sweet and touching and really really funny. I've got a few favorite lines from the movie including when Buddy answers the phone at his biological (human) father's office, "Hi, it's Buddy the Elf. What's your favorite color?" Upon hearing that Santa will be arriving at the department store, Buddy screams, "Santa...I know him." Finally, witnessing toilets in human proportions having come from a land of little elves with wee little toilets, Buddy enthusiastically describes the toilets as, "gi-normous!"

Zesse Zazer

I'm excited to announce that MGDub's good good friend Zesse's website is up and running. There you'll find archived comics, published in our alma mater's daily rag, and some other funny tidbits by Zesse. I've never met Zesse, but I've seen some of his fabulous work. MGDub commissioned Zesse to draw a comic depicting our friends Zatie & Zils for their wedding in the style of that classic "Providence" comic strip. His rendering was uncanny…the comic strip was a work of art and a stroke of pure genius. Way to go Zesse! You should celebrate by going to Disney World or at the very least, buy yourself some books from Amazon.

Everybody LOVES Cupcakes...

...well, Cupcakes aren't Adam's favorite, but I think he does like them. Check out this article in the NYTimes about cupcakes with an audio slide show to top it off. Oddest tidbit...actress Amy Sedaris (Sister of writer David Sedaris. She once played David Spade's doppelganger on Just Shoot Me) bakes cupcakes for some bakery in NYC. She hawks her homemade cheeseballs and cupcakes in the lobby during her shows. How bizarre is that? I'm not ashamed to report that I bake cupcakes from cake mix and I even use the plastic tub frosting...although I usually buy name brand.

"Happy Place"

I managed to weasel my way into a trip out to Hilltop Steakhouse last night to celebrate Z.J's birthday. Z.J. is one of Adam, Zrad and Zeith's housemates and also attends B.I.T. Z.J. and I aren't great friends...in fact we barely recognize each other, but he seems like a congenial chap and I couldn't pass up the Hilltop having heard so much about the steakhouse in Saugus graced by a huge neon cactus and a herd of plastic cows. Zrad is extremely enthusiastic about Hilltop bordering on fanaticism. Throughout the evening, Zrad would say things like, "this is a happy place" or "this is a happy day." Heeding Zrad's advice, I settled on the prime rib...the "regular" 16 oz. cut because according to Adam & Zeith, "I'd be throwing my money away" if I didn't opt for the extra 4 oz. Hoping for preferential treatment by speaking their language, Zrad ordered the "Super King Cut Prime Rib." Without batting an eye, our waitress took Zrad's order and moved on to me. Curious about this "Super King Cut," I asked our waitress "How big is the 'Super King Cut'?" The "Super King Cut" was merely 16 oz. or also known as the "Regular." The Hilltop Steakhouse had at one point served a 20 oz. "King Cut," but no longer offered the "King Cut." Excited to share his enthusiasm for the Hilltop, Zrad kept encouraging me to keep up with him by eating my entire meal plus a slice of Hilltop Mud Pie for dessert. Given that I don't possess Zrad's superhuman metabolism, I'm a full foot shorter and I shouldn't aim to consume 3% of my body weight, I tried hard not to get sucked into a game of steak eating "chicken" and stuck to my original plan of eating two thirds of my meal saving the rest of lunch. There were times when I was afraid the meal that sat before me would overwhelm my will and I would end up eating a pound of steak, my sides and Mud Pie. Adam and I did split a slice of Hilltop Mud Pie and Zrad sure was right...it was sublime. I dare say, at $3.50, the Hilltop Mud Pie was hands down the best part of the meal.

Glare

Zeith tells me the unfortunate consequence of working across the street from that new crazy Frank Gehry "BIT" building is the glare of the sun bouncing off the sculptural metal sheeting into his office. He's considering tinting his windows. Bummer!

Manny

Talk of Manny Ramirez dominated the lunch table today. Nina, who loves Manny for his style, attitude, general zaniness and his hair, is heartbroken. If only Manny was a free agent and chose to go away, perhaps to those evil Yankees, Nina would have the freedom to hate him. Now if the Yankees pick up Manny, Nina won't be able to watch baseball forever or at least for a very long time. Steve, on the other hand, says, "good riddance," let's get rid of that "cancer." Steve doesn't like Manny's attitude and says "he's not into winning." Thus is the tug of war, there are the fans like Nina who love certain players and the team at large and then there are the less forgiving fans like Steve who want the best team possible. While Nina likes how Manny "sticks it to the man," Steve (perhaps being the man) doesn't like Manny "sticking it to him." Despite a comprehensive in depth analysis of “the man,” we have yet to determine who exactly is “the man” we’re “sticking it to.” I think Nina articulates this best, "Steve doesn't care if we have an ugly team...no one's as cute as Manny." I must say, I'm with Nina on this one and I've gotta admire her for her loyalty and devotion.

Great New Taste: 200% more Butter (see May 19 post)

I baked a Chocolate Pecan Pie this weekend and I made the mistake of using too much butter AGAIN. The recipe called for 4 teaspoons of butter, but I ended up using 4 tablespoons. Who measures butter for baking in teaspoons? It's embarrassing how often this happens...I'm going to work on that "reading" thing. Then again, just last week I wondered out loud at lunch, "Are Marlins Dolphins?"...my equivalent of a Jessica Simpson Chicken of the Sea moment. Apparently I'm really expected to know all about sea creatures?

Cheesy Fudge

Nina saw this bit on the Food Channel, "Chocolate Cheese Fudge." Fudge made with Velveeta. I'm not sure what to make of it...I'm waffling between "morbidly curious" and "BARF!"

Banking Full Circle

I woke up this morning to NPR and the big banking news story of the day, Bank of America is buying Fleet in a $47 billion dollar deal. In the last eight years my bank account has been bought twice and is now gunning for bank buyout number three. While this may seem rather "inconvenient," it's worked out swimmingly for me. I started with a checking account at BayBank in 1995. When Bank Boston bought out BayBank, I was primed for the transition because the local bank near my school was the Rhode Island Bank and Trust--A Bank Boston Company so I didn't even have to open a new account once I got to school. Then Fleet bought Bank Boston which was fine with me since I was then moving up to Boston and my banking needs would still be met without so much as a hiccup since Fleet was now going to be everywhere in Boston. Now, Bank of America is buying Fleet. This cracks me up because good old Bank of America is dominant in California where I'm from. I got my first ATM card from "BoA" in 1993.This means, my banking will proceed as usual when I eventually move back to California. Plus, plasticmom will be able to use her ATM card here and I'll be able to use my ATM card in good old California without incurring fees. I love how these bank mergers and buyouts seem to be tailored to my ever changing geographical banking needs. "Fantastic," I say.

Crust Ease

According to Adam, Zeith made some Krusteaz Key Lime Bars from a box the other night and they were very tasty. I'm a big fan of the Sunkist Lemon Bar Mix, but it's no longer available. However, the Krusteaz Lemon Bar Mix is just as good. I've pondered buying their Key Lime Bar Mix myself, but I've been a bit put off by its unnaturally green color. I wonder if Krusteaz used to license the Sunkist name for their lemon bars just like how Ben Myerson Candy holds the license for the Sunkist Fruit Gems. By the way, Ben Myerson makes their own fruit gem candies under their Christopher's Candy Line, available at Trader Joes, that aren't Sunkist branded, but Adam insists the Sunkist branded fruit gems are better. Here's some nifty trivia, Krusteaz stands for "Crust" with "Ease." Some progressive ladies from Seattle created a piecrust mix because "making a pie took too darn long."

Playin' for the NFL

Ever since I was delegated the task of purchasing the office birthday gift (a helmet chip bowl) for my boss, Greg, I've been inundated (I've received 2) with nflshop.com catalogs. Especially hilarious is their clever marketing ploy aimed at inspiring customers to realize their NFL aspirations or at the very least, purchase their own personalized jersey. By printing my last name on a jersey, I'll think, "Wow, my name looks really cool on a jersey, maybe I should buy one." The first time I saw my name on the jersey, I was genuinely confused. I thought, "Gosh, I don't know any Taiwanese American football players and I've never heard of an NFL player with my name...maybe I too could play football if I worked really hard." Upon closer inspection, I realized my name was printed on the photo of the jersey. Indeed, a sad day for of this Taiwanese American kid...my NFL aspirations were dashed. Wah Wah!

DJ Names

Steve thinks "Tanner" would be a great DJ name as a reference to the Candace Cameron character on Full House. Nina's batted around a few DJ names herself including "DJ Logit" as in Logit Model. Other less viable contenders included two references to statistical programs such as "DJ Gauss" and "DJ STATA." Thus far, Nina's rapper name of choice "Vanilla Wafah" is a reference to that "white rapper who sings of 'ice' and wee little babies." LJN tells me there's now a "DJ Methane" and "CAD Cowboy" out there...they all go to that school that rhymes with BIT with Zrad and them all.

Random Ramblings

I was on an architectural tour of the Back Bay this past weekend and did you know that the streets in that area are named alphabetically: Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, Exeter, etc. Not only that, the street names' alternate syllabically between two and three. To top that, it took thirty years to fill in the Back Bay running trains filled with gravel day in and day out. There's water merely 12 feet below the streets and all the buildings sit on top of these wooden poles that have been pounded into the bedrock, but are submerged underwater. Apparently wood doesn't deteriorate as long as it's submerged underwater. When they built the Hancock building downtown, they dug below street level to build an underground parking garage. They had to pump out all this water to build this garage that the water level in the Back Bay dropped a few feet exposing the wooden supports causing them to crumble since they were no longer fully submerged. Fascinating!

Organized Chaos

While I consistently get extra points for organization during my annual performance reviews at work and I'm often the designated "organizer" of things, I'm actually a super cluttered person. The overwhelming response people have when they first see my room is, “I thought you’d be really neat and clean.” They’re disconcerted and shocked that I’m not neat. It takes a while for folks to reconcile these contradictions and conclude that my chaos is somehow organized, but nonetheless chaotic.

My obsessively clean downstairs neighbor thinks my room is a "fire hazard" because of all the wrapping, craft and other papers I keep around. Since our household on the whole is like a pesky rash that won't go away, my room is the bane of his existence. Seeing how my room is a fire hazard and all and out of respect for his concerns that my room will spontaneously combust, I've decided not to take up smoking.

My roommates loyally defend my ways declaring that I'm a dirty person given there's no mold in my room and my coworkers wouldn't call me disorganized since I can almost always find everything. (Give me ten boxes documents and I’ll happily organize them.) Unfortunately, my preferred method of "organization" (piles of papers & things) lends to occasional paper avalanches at work when the paper piles on my desk and floor veer out of control. I figure as long as my boss doesn't complain and somehow still recognizes the ways I'm organized despite all the ways my workspace is chaotic, I'm OK...for now at least. Then again, I think Greg is also used to Nina whose organized chaos rivals mine. I'm always quick to defend Nina (and myself from association) from scoffers reminding them that Nina has never lost anything important.

My room has always been a source of aggravation for plasticmom who is uber organized and very neat. MGDub fights the urge to reorganize my room and rearrange my furniture. My roommate, Nayiri, gave me a gift certificate for 10 hours for room organizing for my 24th birthday and I wasn't even offended, only grateful. Alas, there is hope for my slovenly ways...I discovered flylady.com after reading an article in the Boston Globe. Sign up for flylady, become a flybaby and flylady will e-mail you daily reminders on what to clean, how to clean and how to organize. Inspired by her "27 Fling Boogie" method for decluttering, I threw out 27 things and gave away 27 things last night at breakneck speed. I'm considering signing up...if anything else it would make plasticmom proud or least give her hope to see I’m making some sort of effort.

Today, I, plasticann, am going to make an effort…I will at least gather the multitude of used coffee cups and water glasses and bring them down to the kitchen for cleaning…maybe I’ll even go as far as cleaning off the top of my desk, but definitely the coffee cups.

Baseball Cupcakes

My coworker Kate raves about Strawberry Cake Mix, the standby birthday cake flava for her household. I was skeptical of how good strawberry cake would be since the last time I remember loving strawberry cake was in third grade and the last time I purchased something strawberry flavored from the baking aisle was when MGDub insisted I buy this strawberry frosting because, "everyone loves strawberry frosting." She then proceeded to declare, "Yuck...this stuff is gross, who bought this?" upon tasting the frosting to which I had to remind her she was to blame. I digress! I decided to give strawberry cake mix another chance pairing it with some vanilla frosting baking the cupcakes in some sports themed cupcake liner. Taking a page from Martha Stewart, I decorated the cupcakes with two red Twizzler Cherry Pull and Peel arcs to look like baseballs. Unlike Martha who's insane, I declined to simulate the baseball stitching with teeny tiny bits of red candy. Here's the cupcake consumption count as of last night:

Zrad: 4
Adam: 3
Ann: 3
MGDub: 1
Zeith: 1

"Cowboy Up!"

Heck...if the highway traffic billboards are shirking their duty to disseminate traffic information by proclaiming "Cowboy Up," I might as well join in. It was after six last night when I realized nearly all my coworkers were still at work. They were frantically trying to get World Series tickets on the off chance the Red Sox make it to the final championship series...BOOYAH! Due to their computer savvy, their diligence in the matter, their healthy credit lines and their collective vow to persist until the tickets sold out...Steve and Jessica triumphantly scored five and two tickets respectively. Nina was shut out and didn't get any tickets of her own because of a last minute work request at around 6pm when the ticket center opened. No worries sports fans, our lovely heroine had nary a second to fret because Jessica promptly offered Nina her second ticket. That's what we call a "collegial work environment" here at L&*^%#$! If the Red Sox make it to the World Series, Nina, Jess, Steve & Co. will be at game two cheering on the home team.

Alma Mater, we hail the with loyal devotion...

Plasticmom called me on Tuesday night to put in an order for car decals from my Alma Mater since I was heading down there on Wednesday to recruit at the career fair. Due to an aforementioned freak accident involving gravity and a tree branch, we had to get a new car. Plasticmom tried to transfer the decal off the old car onto the new car, but the results were splotchy so she requested some new decals. Since I've been out of college for a few years, I questioned whether she should apply a decal on the new car. To that, plasticmom responded, "I don't really care what kind of decal, it can be Harvard Extension School for all I care, but we've got to have a decal because there are four white Camrys in our garage and we can't tell which one is our car." Decals from my actual alma mater are infinitely less questionable than decals from a community evening school where I take classes non credit just for kicks.

Quarter Century

This past Sunday marked the quarter century celebration of my birth. Food dominated the agenda with dim sum, delicious brunch buffet, dessert party at Finale complete with my own special b-day menu and a coconut cream filled cake from Party Favors. Notable gifts include a "book" written by plasticmom expressly for this occasion, cool invitation software, laminating machine and my annual birthday check from the parentals, which I've used to purchase a pair of UGGs. The birthday check is an amusing ritual because every year, without fail, the check arrives with the following typed into the memo section, "Birthday Cake." The generous check is always more than one would spend on a "Birthday Cake," so rather than interpreting the instructions literally, I merely take it as a suggestion. Due to a typographical error, an extra zero had been added this year inadvertently inflating the check by a factor of ten. Needless to say, I didn't deposit the check and called home to report the error. All in all a wonderful birthday week indeed.

Replacement Part for your Milton Bradley Games

You can order replacement parts for your Hasbro/Milton Bradley games such as Monopoly, Clue, Boggle, Pictionary, Trivial Pursuit and most of all Scrabble. They offer replacement parts for hundreds of products including the Easy Bake Oven. I'm particularly excited because I enjoy a variation of Scrabble called "Speed Scrabble" that requires only the tiles. Instead of buying multiple sets of scrabble for the tiles, now I can buy only the tiles. Woohoo!

The Idiot Tax

My harried morning started with unexpected guests ringing the doorbell as I got out the shower and culminated with buying tokens for the T because I'd left my T-pass and keys at home. Having just missed my train because I was in line to buy tokens, I was feeling pretty frustrated with my morning when I ran into my friend Zeith who was on his way to BIT. Venting my frustrations to Zeith about forgetting my T-pass and having to buy tokens, he commiserated and told me he does the same at the beginning of each month when he forgets to pick up his T-pass from BIT and has to buy a token to get to BIT. He calls this "the idiot tax." Since Zeith's idiot tax is one token to get to BIT where his pass is waiting for him and my idiot tax is two tokens because my pass is sitting at home, I'm in a higher idiot tax bracket. There are worse things in life like the time when I left my T-pass and my wallet at home and I seriously considered borrowing a buck for a token from my homeless friend Hansy who panhandled outside the station. Then there's always cancer which is unequivocally worse than merely forgetting your T-pass.

The Coke Lady

Plasticmom keeps her office in Coke and passes out cold sodas to the delivery folks that stop by their mail order business each day. The UPS guy prefers Coke and the Mail Lady enjoys boxes of Chinese iced tea. Due to a freak accident involving a tree branch and this natural phenomenon we call gravity, the number of usable motor vehicles in our household has dropped. Consequently, plasticmom has not been able to replenish the Coke supply. Her boss has taken to offering this explanation for the lack of Coke, "The Coke Lady's car broke so there's no Coke, but we have iced tea," as if Coke is only available through the "Coke Lady." Now the UPS guy peppers plasticmom with daily questions, "How is the Coke Lady? Is the Coke Lady's car fixed?" Nina thinks the "Coke Lady" sounds like a drug dealer, but plasticmom is merely enabling a caffeine addiction. However, plasticmom has discovered the following truism---plying delivery folks with cold drinks increases their helpfulness because they'll voluntarily stop by the warehouse for an extra delivery or pick up, but only for plasticmom.